I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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