hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Come on in and take your pants off
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