I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
sarcasm needs its own font
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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