Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
