all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
