my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
