My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want nice things and good sex
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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