he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
