Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
