he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
