You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize