i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
