just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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