she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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