Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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