I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
