he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
