I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
