You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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