Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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