Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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