I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
