It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
