I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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