Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
