I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize