No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
