I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
