My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
