It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize