shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
