I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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