Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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