I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize