You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize