I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
