Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
