sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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