One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
