he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
