When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
