if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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