how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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