I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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