Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
