i think my mom watched the whole time
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize