No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Shame - the story of my life.
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