babies were throwing up all over the place
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize