Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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