You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
