1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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