my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
