I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
