Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was like getting head from an anaconda
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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