That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
