I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
