I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
