I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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