A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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