just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
